Open Door Heart Surgery

Where lots of doors keep closing, some doors stay open

But it hurts that you keep using my heart as a doorstop,

leaving me heartbroken.

I can’t tell if I’m just being ungrateful or if my anger has a place

But I think we can both agree that honesty wins over saving face.

I’ve never really understood anger,

When I feel it I typically just cry

Because I don’t think I should throw it at anyone

But it also can’t stay locked inside.

Sometimes I imagine screaming at you but I just don’t think that makes sense.

That wouldn’t make you listen to me but it would certainly make things more tense.

& yelling wouldn’t get me what I want,

Though perhaps it could give me what I need—

A chance to express on the outside how I feel about the way

You keep letting my heart bleed.

I’ve been in open heart surgery numerous times and I’ve always gone in palms up.

This time I’m curbing the temptation to close my fists and potentially cancel this one.

I trust you.

I’m just so scared

& I don’t understand what you’re doing.

I’ve had heart surgeries before and they changed me completely each time

But this one feels different because I’m exchanging yours for mine.
I’m at your will, no control
I finally learned how to use the remote, now I have to let go.

The Doctor is in and I feel humiliated

I’m in my hospital gown but I feel naked.

I won’t say I regret going in for the procedure

Though part of me wishes I didn’t schedule it either.

I’m slowly going under anesthesia. My brain begins to fog.

I focus on one thing at a time to fight it and time begins to seem long.

I heard the nurse say they’re leaving the door open, in case something in the procedure changes.

Doors have always been closed in my surgeries before, and I suddenly feel afraid of what may been rearranged.